Stillness

Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God

I think one of my biggest problems right now is that I don't know how to be still. Not really. I will send a prayer up to heaven or quick a quick verse of scripture but then I "get on" with life, never giving any of it a chance to really sink in, to really touch my heart and soul.

I fill my days and hours with dishes and laundry and kid and iphones and email and tweets and text messages and phone calls. Even when I do find what could be a peaceful moment-the kids are outside happy and content-perhaps I am folding laundry or doing dishes-but if I tried I could still open myself up in these moments. But instead in those moments I still to to fill the silence. I turn on music, loudly and then wonder whey I feel over-stimulated all the time.

Even the quiet hours after the kids are in bed are usually spent watching whatever sitcom DVD came in the mail that day. (I do love Netflix, not gonna lie.)

Today I am in Oregon, in a hotel room. no kids. No husband. No laundry. No dishes. No car. I had originally planned to grab my camera and go explore on foot and enjoy the solitude. But I told myself that instead I needed to dedicate myself to being still.

But it's 2:30 and I don't think I've been truly still yet.

I have spent time reading, emailing, sleeping, eating-but still not really taken the chance to just be still.

What am I so afraid of? I hope that once I get myself to that place of stillness that God will finally come into my soul and show me what I've been missing, fill that emptiness that I try to fill with noise. But even the busy-ness doesn't really fill up the empty. When I check my email or my tweets and there is nothing new I feel even more lonely, empty, disconnected. Social media is supposed to make the world seem smaller but so often it tend to make me feel even more isolated.

Maybe the problem is that although I hope God will come in and fill all my empty places, but I am not sure if I have enough faith for it to truly be so. And so I continue to keep myself busy instead of allowing myself to be still because then there is no chance for me to be disappointed.

Maybe I don't really know how to be still. Because I don't think that being still is a passive thing. I think being still takes effort-I'm just not sure how to do it.

I feel like I am at a major crossroad in my life right now. I believe that some amazing blessings and opportunities are on the horizon. And yet I feel a little like I'm floundering. Like I don't know which way to go in order to get those blessings and opportunities.

I've had to work so hard for so much of the good things in my life that perhaps I am scared that if I am not working hard enough the blessings and opportunities I yearn for will slip through my fingers.

And so I work and push and stress and tire myself out on life's treadmill, but fear that in the end it will be the stillness that brings the blessings. That they will only come when I finally stop trying to get them for myself and let God instead give them to me, as a gift. A sweet gift that He has always wanted to give me. A gift that I only need to ask for, if only I would be still enough to receive it.

Even the waves of the sea listened when the Savior said unto them, "Peace, be still." (Mark 4:39)

So why can't I?

upheaval

The Oregon Coast

Life is topsy turvy right now. But not necessarily in a bad way. Changes are on the horizon and I'm excited. Stressed and scared and unsure, but excited.

Right now I sit all alone in a hotel room in Oregon. For the last two days I have fully intended to grab my camera bag and just go walking and photograph anything that inspires me.

That's been the plan. But it's been raining and I have instead found peace in a cup of hot chocolate and my the pages of my journal. I can't remember the last time I had this much quiet time to sit and think. And then to listen. To really figure out what I'm thinking and feeling. What my hopes are. What my dreams are. My life is so wrapped up in my home and my kids and my husband that sometimes I completely lose me.

I think perhaps that something bigger than just the rain is at work here, keeping me in. I'm often so quick to fill up every minute of every day. I think something, somebody is telling me to slow down. To relax. To refuel. To regroup. To figure things out because once I get home life is going to come at me lightening fast.

I've written a bunch in my journal these last two days. Some of which I am thinking about sharing here. But I'm not sure yet. It's quite personal. And yet I yearn to feel the connectedness I feel when I am writing often. I miss blogging and the sense of community I feel from it. Life just got busy. And it became just one more thing to do. So I've kind of let it slip away from me a bit.

Plus I also feel a bit vulnerable right now. And I want to know that what I put out here will be embraced, not judged.

So I'm still on the fence about how much to share-but I'm sharing that I'm on the fence about what to share, and that's a start, right?