Drowning

Do you ever feel like you are drowning in your own life? I am so craving some normalcy and organization and order to my life right now. I think a big part of it comes from living in this temporary house right now and having half my life still in boxes in the garage.

I actually thought that having less stuff unpacked would mean I'd feel more organized and put together. I thought it would be a chance to try out a new Zen lifestyle. But I find that it just makes me more unorganized then ever. For example all the office is all packed so I don't have my paper filing system in place. So papers from school pile up all over. I mean it's just little stuff like that but lots of little stuff is starting to add up and I don't feel like I have a handle on any part of my life.

The 2 1/2 hours spent in the car each day running to and from school isn't helping any, either.

I literally have 6 half finished blog posts. And ideas for half a dozen more. I'm flowing with ideas-but never have 20 uninterrupted minutes to get any of them out!

So while I try to catch up with my life if you have a minute today tell me your favorite, easy, inexpensive time management/organization tip. I could use ALL the help I can get!

Today

Things that touched and inspired me today.

Courage is a Heart Word over at Brene Brown's Ordinary Courage Blog

We Can't Escape our Essence over at Andrea Scher's Superhero Journal

Almost

I am ALMOST ready to write about my experience at Skip's Summer School last week. I just need a little bit longer. A little more time to recover from the small wounds of vulnerability and to fully embrace the magic of vulnerability. (Don't you find it amazing how it can be both at the very same time?!?!?!)

In the meantime, something a little funny to make you smile today. Because I'm a giver like that.

A few weeks ago I sent a text message to my parents with a picture of our new driveway.



A few days later we found ourselves stopped at a red light right next to the construction site for the Gilbert, Arizona Temple. So of course I snapped a picture and sent it to my parents.




Weeks later my dad sends me the following email:

"A while back you sent a picture of your foundation and driveway being poured. Not long after that you sent a picture of the Gilbert Temple going up. I didn't read the caption and was very surprised to see how big your new house was going to be...."

(Thanks for the chuckle, dad. Hope you don't mind me sharing it! If you do, it's too late. I already did!)

Not yet

I am home from my trip to Skip's Summer School in Las Vegas. Everybody keeps asking how it was, and I want to tell you. REALLY I do!

But you see, I'm still kind of processing it all and although parts of it were great, other parts left me a little bit broken. So I don't think I can write about it.....yet.

But I will.

In the meantime I will share this.

Sunday morning before Summer School started I was having brunch at the Paris buffet. From among all the things I could choose from to eat I decided to grab a fortune cookie. I honestly didn't even want to eat it. Part of me just needed a good fortune. I was feeling a bit nervous about what lie ahead of me and I think I was looking for a little comfort or encouragement.

I don't think it was by accident that I chose the cookie that contained this fortune.

Keep true to the dreams of your Youth.

A simple enough message. Little did I know how much I would need this message in the upcoming days.

Monday at lunchtime I was feeling particularly exposed and vulnerable. I slipped over to grab some lunch at the food court across the street. I was standing in line for Chipotle but the line was long and taking forever and adjacent was a Panda Express that had no line at all. So, I jumped lines and grabbed some Orange Chicken. Which meant I also got another unexpected fortune cookie.

Stay Close to your inner-self.

 You will benefit in many ways.

Once again, the perfect message to encourage me when I was struggling.

I'm still trying to piece together all my thoughts and feelings about my experiences over the last week. I feel like I am on the pinnacle of an important decision and I don't want to rush into it. But whatever I choose I will be forever grateful for these two little gems of wisdom sent to inspire me at a time that I needed it most.

You may call it coincidence, but I call it a remarkable blessing!!!

Terrified... mortified... petrified... stupefied... by you

I wanted to write this post about how I am beginning to have a bunch of fears associated with my upcoming trip to Vegas for Skip's Summer School, and thought that since I haven't done a Name that Movie Monday in a while I'd throw one in as my title. Fitting, right?

I know, it's not Monday. So sue me.

Actually don't. We went back to our builder this week and opted for the wrought iron banister and so now they want more money. (Go figure.)

But I digress.

I leave for Vegas in 16 days, and with each passing day I grow a little more terrified. I'm excited, yes, of course. But I'm also terrified.

Why? Well because......

....everybody else is going to have a better portfolio then me.

....everybody is going to have a better camera then me. (I shoot a Rebel XSi)

....everybody has more lenses then I do. (I own exactly two)

....I prefer to shoot JPEG

....what if I prove definitely that I don't know the difference between an f-stop and a pit stop?

....I have nothing to wear!

....I've put on a few pounds. (okay more then a few.....)

....my pedicure is about worn off and I don't have time or $ for a new one before I go.

I know what you are thinking-clothes and pedicures have NOTHING to do with photography. You try telling that to my irrational fears.

I feel this added level of anxiety because I was hand picked from nearly 100 other photographers to attend Summer School on Scott Bourne's dime (he picked 10 of us total) and what if I am a disappointment? What if he ends up wishing he had picked some other deserving photographer instead?

I am determined to prove that he didn't make a wrong choice. So I've spent this week re-reading my camera manual. I may "only" have a Rebel, but I can know it forwards and backwards.

I've been reading up a little more on all sorts of aspects of lighting so that I don't feel lost in any of my workshops.

I've been re-watching my Zack Arias downloads from CreativeLIVE.

I've been reading my Shutter Sisters book.

But mostly I've been praying that I won't make a complete fool of myself.

Which is why I am SO glad that Skip Cohen posted this on his blog today.

According to this post 41% of attendees meet his definition of "newbie." That makes me feel like at least I won't be the only one there terrified of making a fool of themselves. It also means I am going to try harder to go out of my way to make others feel safe and comfortable there, because I am hoping others will be doing the same for me.

Also, according the Skip's post he has gotten a large number of questions from new photographers worried about fitting in. He says he has even been ask "what should I wear?"

Yea!!!! I'm not the only one freaking out about what I should wear!!!!

I'm still terrified. But at least now I'm feeling a little less mortified and petrified.

Vulnerability

One of the lessons in the Mondo Beyondo course is about vulnerability. We all try to hard to be so guarded all the time, trying to never open ourselves up to being hurt or ridiculed or embarrassed or shamed. So we put, what we consider to be, our best foot forward. We hide secret parts of ourselves and sometimes those secret parts are the very thing that makes us who we are. But, we're shy or embarrassed or afraid, so we keep it under wraps, pretend to be who we think other want us to be.

But sometimes daring to be just a little bit vulnerable is just the key to opening up new doors.

So I've been toying with some ideas, and trying vulnerability on for size. And I had this idea the other day. I was painting, because I'm always painting these days. I had the tunes cranked and was singing as dancing along as I rolled paint on the walls. Because this is what I do. I sing and dance. All the time. Not that I'm particularly good at either. But I like it. No, I LOVE it. My husband laughs at me a lot. And claims that I wished my life was a musical. (I tell him my life IS a musical, just nobody else has learned the choreography yet.)

Just for a minute I got brave. I set up iPhone up on the step ladder, turned the camera on, and was just me for 5 minutes. I painted. I danced. I sang. I painted a little more. I danced some more. I painted to the beat of the music. All in a day's work for me.

I had every intention of then posting that video here on my blog, because that would be a HUGE exercise in vulnerability.

But I couldn't do it. It's a tad too embarrassing. A tad too real.

Well actually I was going to suck it up and just post it before I could have second thoughts. But I asked my husband if he would be embarrassed for me if I put it on my blog....and he hesitated, just the slightest bit. So then I got all worried that it was even worse then I thought it was and I chickened out.

So there will be no video of me busting a move with a blue paint roller in my hand. At least not today. I think maybe that was like jumping into the deep end of vulnerability and maybe what I need is to just dip my toe in. Test the waters before I drown in them.

Do you have any stories about being vulnerable? How did they turn out?

It's about more then just the color of the walls

Yesterday I was painting walls, again. I feel like I have been painting walls for an eternity now. I literally have blisters and callouses on my hands from gripping a paint roller. Painting an entire house in a week is a LOT of work.

So there I am, all alone. My hands hurt and my neck hurt and my arms hurt. I started to question why I was going to all this effort. Yes, the walls were all neon yellow and florescent orange. And no, I didn't want to live in a house with neon yellow and florescent orange walls. But it WAS just a rental. And really we are just staying for 5, maybe 6 months until our home is done. And I started to think that all the people who said we were CRAZY for going to so much effort to paint a rental were right. Maybe we were in over our heads. Maybe it really wasn't worth all this.

The conversation with myself was negative, and exhausting and I had to get out of my own head.

So I started listening to some of my Mondo Beyondo interviews.

Shortly I came to the one where Jen Lemen interviews Kelly Rae Roberts. Jen talked about how Kelly's entire house was a place were dreams could thrive. And then they spent the next 15 minutes talking about how important it is to create a physical environment that is conducive to dreaming. A space that is YOU. Where your essence is at home, at peace.

And suddenly felt so glad we had made the CRAZY choice to paint. Even though this house is just a rental. Even though we will only be here for 5-6 months.

Because it is 5-6 whole months! And moving to Arizona in the first place was ALL about following dreams and following our crazy intuition and taking risks and finding out who we are. And what a shame if all that was sucked up in the neon yellow and florescent orange walls. How sad would it have been to lose our momentum and excitement because we were always hating those neon yellow and florescent orange walls.

Painting was no longer about the color of the walls. Painting was suddenly about creating a safe space for my dreams to thrive, because my dreams (and I should add my husband's dreams) are big enough and important enough and sacred enough to go to all this effort. At that moment painting the walls became almost spiritual to me. (Don't laugh, I'm being serious.) Making the walls clean and fresh and pretty again took on the feeling of a ritual cleansing of sorts, and it was no longer drudgery. It was a work that I was thrilled to be a part of.